From Part time "Mom" to Pizza Maker

So as many of you know Carson and I moved to Richfield last week. This move has been pretty interesting for me. I feel almost like I switched lives with someone. As I am doing everything completely different than I was a month ago. I used to be "Shay Markham", the girl who was pretty much a mother to 3 amazing girls with special needs, I wasn't married, I lived in the city, I had a pet fish who required little care/attention, with a couple friends. Now only a month later I am "Carson's Wife" or "Mrs. Maughan" the woman who makes pizzas for a living, I'm married, I live in the tiny town of Richfield, with my Husband and my furry kid, a cat named Remi, who knows absolutely nobody.  It's crazy how much can change in a month. And while I miss my girls terribly. It will be nice to have a more relaxed job for a little while.  But rest assured,  I will not be making pizzas forever.  I am going to finish getting bachelor's degree in special education and then will continue to work with the amazing spirits I hold so close to my heart.
A lot of people have asked me what inspired such a bizarre switch in jobs just like that, especially since I am now making less money than I was before.
I am not ashamed to admit that I am still having nightmares and night terrors from an experience I had at my old job.
I will leave out personal details as I recount this experience as to protect the individual from being exposed.

It was July, I had finally gotten the hang of my job and was really starting to enjoy it, my work felt more like a second home than getting up and going through the grind every day.  We had just had a client move to a different home, which meant we would be receiving a new client. The case worker who brought said client left out some very important details about this client's medical history.  Such as the amount of extreme episodes she had where staff that was watching over her would be attacked and In one case even stabbed in the arm. We were told only that she was suicidal and severely depressed. When in reality she had extreme schizophrenia,  was prone to attacking others, and running away along with trying to commit suicide.  It's safe to say that we were extremely unprepared for the challenges ahead of us with her. My first day working with her I went in expecting things to be fairly normal. We watched a movie and played games. Suddenly she had an episode . She kept telling me to stop talking about her even though I clearly was not speaking at all and looking her directly In the eyes. She ran out the door and a co-worker followed her from a safe distance.  A few moments later the co-worker texted me telling me that crisis team was on their way because she was throwing HUGE rocks at my co-worker. They showed up and basically gave up, leaving us to deal with her.  I sat at a far distance where I could still keep an eye on her and told my co-worker to go home (This is what we were trained to do).  Eventually she got up and began to walk back. I followed from a safe distance as to give her some space.  She Was In The House And I Was A Little Ways Back when I heard my co-worker scream. I RAN to the door and saw my co-worker attempting to restrain her as she was out of control and trying to beat her up. She had injured my co-worker's wrist. And my co-worker was beginning to lose control of both the client And her own emotions. I quickly told a new co-worker (it was her first day ) to help help me get the client into a prone (laying down) restraint. We struggled to restrain her as the injured co-worker called crisis team.  They refused to help us saying that we had it under control,  even though we so clearly didn't.  As this was happening the client managed to elbow me in the throat causing my already swollen throat to swell shut. I could not breathe. One of my other clients saw me struggling and grabbed my arm, pulling me aside as my other co-worker told us to let her go. She ran out the door. The new staff followed her out while my injured co-worker called her sister (a stronger,  more experienced employee.) As I struggled to breathe my severely autistic client who helped get me out of the situation stroked my back trying to help me breathe.  She went She went and got me a glass of water and eventually I was able to breathe again. The police had to be called to get the client to calm down. And the next week she was moved to a new facility equipped to handle her.  This situation haunts me to this day. It began effecting my work. So I finally made the difficult decision to take a break from the work that I love. Although this experience was truly terrifying it made me want to work in special needs even more. Because I saw how quickly my client was to step in and save my life. These individuals are so incredible.  I love them so much.

Self-inflicted by a someone I no longer know

So I'm sure the title of this post confused you.  Or perhaps you have been in my shoes and know exactly what the title means. However if you were confused let me explain.  I have quite a colorful past. Some of these colors are experiences  I could have handled better. Among these colors are friendships that have been permanently damaged,  relationships I let change me in a negative way, words I said that I wish I wouldn't have.. I am human. It took me a long time to accept responsibility for my past. The natural human response to a negative situation with another person is to blame that other person, even when in all reality it is at least partially our own fault. 
A lot of these situations from my past have left lasting scars on my soul. Like a paper cut. You don't always think about it but when something draws your attention to it there is so much pain in such a small stupid injury and suddenly it's all you think about until you find another distraction.  And though this wound may heal over time you can't help but feel stupid for causing this wound. You could have prevented it by not flipping through that favorite book of yours so rapidly.  As with this wound to your soul you could have prevented it by not letting your pride get the best of you, causing the other person involved to cut ties with you.  In a particular situation in my life, this person who once meant EVERYTHING to me. My number one confidant and friend. I took for granted and he still, 2 years later. Ignores my constant efforts to apologize,  to try and make things right. And although I would like to say "well I did my part, if he won't forgive me now it's his fault." I don't even blame him. I was awful to him. Because the person who did this to him isn't even close to the person who is now apologizing. Because the person who did this to him was so beyond the person I really am that I no longer know that person. That person makes me sick. Makes me angry. Makes me cry. They are a complete and total stranger. So why would he forgive someone different for the actions of someone who isn't even the same person. This experience had taught me to pay attention to how I treat people. To stop inflicting pain on myself as well as others. I have made a pact with myself to stop inflicting self pain. And never let that stranger take control of my life. I will no longer hand this stranger the paper to give me another papercut.

Distasteful

When I started dating the man who is now my husband I received a lot of judgment and distasteful comments. It was always "Oh, but what about eternity?" Or "isn't there a nice Return Missionary that you could date?" Never "I'm happy that he makes you so happy!" Or "Wow! He treats you so well!" You see, everyone was to busy judging him for not being LDS to really get to know him as an individual.  The man that I know and love. The man who treats me better than anyone has ever treated me in my life. Someone who is less concerned with judging other people for not living up to his standards  and was more concerned more about the well being of others.  Never mind the fact that he single handedly saved me from destroying my life through alcoholism.  Or that for the first time ever I actually cared about my life and saw a reason to genuinely TRY for once. And because of these distasteful comments and judgements from my peers and my family I ALMOST made the worst decision ever.. breaking up with him. Luckily the moment he walked in the door every doubt I had disappeared.   I am constantly baffled by the amount of members of the church who try so hard to be like Jesus judge others for not trying to be like Jesus even though in reality they are the ones acting less like Jesus. (Wow! That sentence was intense! )
Bottom line, I challenge you all..  next time you look at the love of your life.. think about how much you love him or her. Then realize that that is the way the people you have judged for marrying non-members feel about their significant others.  And then kindly take your negative opinion and stick it where the sun doesn't shine. 

I got 99 problems being married young ain't one.

As a 20 year old newlywed I get asked a lot of questions by people who either disapprove of my young age or think I'm taking forever to have start a family. And frankly,  I'm pretty dang sick of hearing them, as I'm sure a lot of young brides are/have been. I've learned recently, that People are never satisfied.
Here are some questions I'm sick of hearing. 
1. BUT YOU'RE SO YOUNG... DON'T YOU WISH YOU WOULD HAVE DATED MORE?
No. I don't. Honestly, I've dated a lot. And even if I hadn't.. The man I chose to marry is my best friend.  Every other person I have dated they weren't right for me at all. This is the first man I've ever been with that I seriously don't fight with.  And if we fight it's usually a very short argument that ends in us laughing at each other and snuggling. From the moment I met him I knew I didn't need/want to date anyone else because nobody else would compare to him.

2. DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT EITHER OF YOU ARE DOING WITH YOUR LIVES?
OK. This one REALLY ticks me off. Does anyone ever really KNOW for a certainty EXACTLY what they are doing with their lives? Last time I checked life was pretty dang unpredictable.  So no, maybe we don't know what we are doing. But we are trying. And honestly as long as we have each other we are unstoppable.  Also.. why is that your business?  Oh.. right. It's not. So hush.

3. SO NOW THAT YOU'RE MARRIED ARE YOU GONNA HURRY UP AND HAVE KIDS?
Another one that bugs me, and here is why. As everyone so clearly has stated previously to my getting married.. I'm 20 and have "no idea what I'm doing" so let us figure out what we are doing at least a little before we ruin our kids lives unintentionally. Also you don't get to decide when we should have kids. That's our choice.  We personally have decided to wait at least 2 years.

4. (Going along with #3) IF YOU AREN'T READY FOR KIDS WHAT IS THE POINT IN GETTING MARRIED?
WHAT?... I'm not even going to address this question.  Because it makes me furious.

5. WELL YOU'RE MARRIED, READY FOR YOUR HUSBAND TO DO ALL THE WORK WHILE YOU STAY HOME AND COOK AND CLEAN? 
OH HECK NO.  Just because I decided to get married doesn't mean I am signing my ability to be a normal human being away.  I intend to work as much as I can while still doing my best to be a good and attentive wife/mother. It would not be fair to give my sweet husband all the responsibility while I was out spending his hard earned money on taco bell to eat while sitting in front of the TV feeling sad about how he's "always working and never has time for me".

So here's the deal. Just because I'm young doesn't mean I have a heart of solid stone and don't feel slightly offended every time you try and tell me how to live my life because you're older than me and think young people are too stupid to be married. So maybe think a little before you open your mouth.  You're just jealous that us young newlyweds get to spend more time on earth together enjoying each other's company.
Just let us live our lives.
Rant over.