Untitled.

Normally when I start a post.. I know exactly what I'm going to say before I start. Or at least I know what I want to write about. This way I have a title before I even begin writing. This time my post is titled "untitled." Because.. I've been trying to write this for so long.. trying to find the words to say to describe how I feel.. it's almost been 2 months.. 2 months since Carson and I got Married, 2 months since we decided to move to Richfield... and finally... 2 months since I lost a dear friend. A friend I only had the pleasure of knowing for close to a year now. If you know me you know that I have had a lot of experience in the department of losing people. When I was 10 my father passed away from stomach cancer. A few years before I had lost my Grandpa. A year after my dad passed I almost lost my Mom, but I was blessed enough to keep her, a blessing I could never stop being grateful for. Over the years I've lost a couple friends from various illnesses or other incidents. But with most of these deaths there were warnings. I sort of saw them coming although I tried everything I could to stop them.
So when I say that this one took me by surprise.. that is a complete and total understatement.  It all started with a snapchat.  She sent me a snapchat that said "I love you two!  You're the cutest" I snapped her back "we love you too"
Carson and I went to bed. It had been a great day.  When we woke up the next morning we were still happy from the day before. I decided to check Facebook. I wish I hadn't.  At first I thought it was some sick joke or maybe somebody had heard wrong. But then as I continued to scroll, the joke turned into a horrible reality.  I only remember a few words before bursting into tears and throwing my phone at the wall. "CAR CRASH." "NO SEATBELT", "DIED ON IMPACT".  I remember telling Carson "She's dead..." I was so confused, and pissed off, and heartbroken.  I don't think I stopped crying that day. The next day any little thing would make me burst into tears. Even still whenever I hear her name or someone tells a similar story, I have to leave the room or I start crying again.  So full of life one minute,  gone like that, the next.
I really don't know how to handle it. So here I am. Finally talking about it.
I still can't believe she's gone.
But she's in a better place.
And it's okay. But that doesn't make it any easier in the moment.

Happy.

John Lennon once said "When I was a kid, my mother told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I wrote down 'Happy' they told me I didn't understand the assignment, I told them they didn't understand life."
This quote stands out to me for one simple reason, I think we all seek happiness. Not just temporary happiness, like.. eating Ice cream, or getting an "A" on a spelling test. True,  long lasting, blissful happiness. Sure, we all have things we can say that make us happy.  But to me, happiness has always been being true to myself,  finding my place in the world, taking a moment to breathe. And while I can say I have had glimpses of this true and blissful happiness... I just don't think I've completely found it yet. And on days like today... that really bugs me.
I remember being a junior in high school, there was a day that I felt a glimpse of that happiness stronger than I had in a long time. 3 friends and I went to the festival of colors in Spanish fork. I remember the colors being thrown in the air,  and I remember for just that small amount of time, allowing myself to be me. Not holding back. Because for that short time I was just like everyone else. Nobody cared about who looked what way. Nobody cared how you were dressed. For that moment I was free to be Shay. Free to laugh, free to smile, FREE.
I want to live my life that way. I want to be free.
So what to I want to be when I grow up?
I want to be happy.

Finding Faith in a Stranger

When I moved to St. George I knew absolutely nobody. I was terrified to be there by myself and spent the first month alone, locked in my room.
Then I found friends. Except they weren't really friends at all. More like parasites. Eating away at my morals, the person I had worked so hard to become.
Then I found him. The love of my life. And that was good. I rid myself of parasites. But I was still lonely.
Then I moved out of student housing and was preparing to be married.
At this point not having friends was really starting to get to me. I was depressed. I wasn't myself. And then, one day I decided to go to a relief society activity.
I was introduced to a sister who was close to my age. She was married and had a few kids. At first I was reluctant, because I didn't want her to judge me as so many others had over my choice to marry a non-member.
But this sister, listened to my life story and where I expected judgement and harsh words. She showed love and respect. I will forever be grateful for her. She found me when I was at my lowest point and she accepted me. She lifted me up without even knowing it. She is one of the most christ-like people I have ever met.
She didn't have to take the time to become my friend. But she did.
She didn't have to take the time outside of church to make sure I was doing alright.  But she did.
She texted me to see how I was often,  she would ask if she could do anything to help with my wedding, she brought me soup when I was sick.
I will never forget this sister and her shining example of how to love everyone unconditionally. 
And so to her,  I would like to express my gratitude. 
Thank you, wonderful sister, for making me feel important.

What I lack in funds, God makes up in Blessings

I won't lie, things have been rough financially as of late. We are newlyweds,  we work for minimum wage and barely get enough hours to survive.  It has been especially stressful with moving, and with Christmas right around the corner as we want to be able to buy gifts for our family and friends.  Not to mention that I am trying to find a way to pay for school. I'm currently applying for financial aid and a lot of scholarships and grants.

But one thing I have come to notice as we have been struggling is this.. Every time I get to the point where I feel like there is no way we will be able to make it, something happens.

I was concerned about being able to pay an application fee for a test I needed to take and without me even having to mention it my advisor waived the fee, someone paid for our meal at taco bell the other day without even telling us(we noticed after we got home and looked at the receipt.) And the biggest blessing of all was that when we were worrying about this month's rent out landlord told us that they had a special rate for December, costing us only $230 as opposed to our normal payment of $500.

I have truly come to see that what we lack in money, we have doubled in blessings. 

I am constantly amazed at how my savior blesses my life, even when I know I don't deserve it. I am so grateful this holiday season for the love of family, friends, and especially my savior.