Karaoke and Always talking to Strangers.

This last month has consisted of me meeting new people, along with reuniting with old friends.  It's showed me just how socially awkward I've become.
My palms sweat, my voice shakes, I talk fast, or not at all... but the biggest thing I've noticed is that when people ask about me I literally haven't got a clue what to say.
"What are your hobbies? " "Ummmm... *turning to friends next to me*what are my hobbies?" I can't even answer for myself! Like what the hell is that about?
Whenever these conversations happen I go home and face palm in the mirror and say "Shay, what were you thinking?!"  Because I KNOW that I am not this socially awkward person I've become. I used to know exactly who I was,  what I liked, what I didn't.. I was confident enough to talk to complete strangers, FLIRT even with complete strangers.
So where IS that version of myself?

I caught a glimpse a couple weekends ago of my old self. I was at this restaurant/bar with a couple friends. I was having so much fun laughing at everyone else and chatting it up with my friends that I opened up and jumped out of my shell quickly. So quickly in fact,  that before I knew it I was up on stage singing karaoke. When I realized the trouble I had just gotten myself into I froze.  Then,  the music started, and I looked at my friend. I saw a look in her eyes I hadn't seen in YEARS. A look of "holy crap, she's so brave, you go girl!" And I instantly turned into myself.  And I had SO.MUCH.FUN! I even got up a couple more times! I talked to multiple strangers who complimented me on my voice after I sang.  And when I got home that night,  I felt more like myself than I have in years. I was genuinely happy!  I felt good in my own skin!

So, here are some more goals to add to my self improvement list.

A) When you have a chance to sing, ALWAYS sing.

B) When there is music,  always dance.

C) Forget what you were taught as a kid, ALWAYS talk to strangers.

D) Speak for yourself! Don't let anyone else answer for you.

E) Never forget that you are beautiful in your own unique way, inside and out.

I have a feeling that the old Shay is making a comeback.  And I am so excited. 

Let go. It's okay.

Have you ever put everything you've got into making something work? Your whole heart, your soul, your mind,  your body? Your entire being. Only to discover it was never going to work, because the other force involved has stopped trying?
It's one of the worst feelings in the world.  You can want it with everything you are,  and still no amount of wanting, wishing,  or hoping can fix what's already broken.

And yet, you still push on. You still give and give, and it's like trying to start a fire while someone continues to pour water over it. All it would take to start the fire would be for the person putting it out to realize that they want the warmth too, and starting to help building it rather than putting it out.
But they won't.  Or if they do, they try for a few moments and then go right back to putting it out. At what point do you realize you need to look out for your own survival, and build your fire elsewhere. Leaving that person to figure out their own way of surviving?

I mean at some point you have to let go, and realize that you have to look out for yourself. Because if you spend forever battling someone else's demons, you've just given yours permission to take over.

When you've invested so much of yourself into one thing for so long, it's hard to let go. But sometimes it gets to a point where every day is a struggle to stay alive.  You lose sight of the things that really matter.  You lose sight of YOU. Who you are, your hopes,  your dreams... you slowly turn into someone you don't recognize.

You have the power to be happy.  To be who you want to be. 
So just... Let go.

Confessions of the Rubber Band Girl

My friends have always seen me as that girl that can handle anything.  The girl that could walk through hell and come out without so much as a scratch. 
In middle school I had a teacher who even called me rubber band girl.

I guess to an extent yeah, I am fairly resilient.  But my resilience does not come without scars.  Most of these scars are emotional or mental. But some are physically there.

People telling me how strong I am actually makes me angry sometimes.  Because they think it's so effortless.  When in reality it's hell. It's a constant battle.  A battle that I don't always win.
Some times I have days when I can't force myself out of bed. There are nights when I wake up SCREAMING.  There are times when I have to take medication to dull my anxiety enough to even get an hour of sleep. There are times when I sit in the bathtub and cry for hours.
There are days that I have to force a smile on my face and talk to these people who think the world of me for being "so strong" when all I want to do is run away and cry or hide.

Depression, Anxiety, and PTSD are hard.
Sometimes I am weak.
So if I seem negative at times, or like I don't care,  just know that it is probably because I've run out of the energy it takes to use all of my strength trying to keep myself from going under.
The truth is,  it's exhausting to be the rubber band girl.