I'm happy, get over it.

As most of you know, the last few months have been kind of intense for me. 

I announced my divorce which had secretly been a thing for a while, I moved home, I got a great job and had to quit it because my PTSD got in the way, I have been in and out of the doctors office countless times and even the emergency room once, due to some new medical issues that I won't get into right now, 

But the biggest thing, the big elephant in the room anytime I go anywhere and see anyone I know has been the fact that I am in a new relationship. I know what you're thinking "already?" Or even perhaps you have the same thought that half of the people who used to be my friends have had "she must have been having an affair." 

No. I didn't. The simple fact is this, while my marriage didn't last long; it was a loveless marriage. I guess maybe loveless isn't the right word. You see, my ex was my best friend. But we were always better friends than we ever were Husband and wife. We never agreed on ANYTHING. I wanted kids, he wanted cars. I wanted us both to find a way to go back to school and be successful, he wanted us both to work whatever jobs we could find with high school diplomas for the rest of our lives. I wanted a big city closer to my family, he wanted small town 2 hours away from anyone I knew.

We'd argue; I'd give him my thoughts, he would do what he wanted anyway even if it meant spending money on something we definitely didn't need, and sacrificing groceries for a month or two. The list goes on and on. Now, I'm not saying he's the only one at fault. Trust me, I screwed up, A LOT. I had unrealistic expectations of him; and if he didn't fill those expectations, I'd let myself be miserable. Which is unhealthy, and stupid. 

But anyway, I've gotten off topic,

Back to my new relationship.

Hunter and I met 5 years ago through mutual friends, the moment I saw him I felt a strong connection to him. We dated for a few months, and I got scared. Because, I don't do the whole commitment thing well, yeah I've been in a lot of relationships, because I like the thought of being into the whole commitment thing, but, they never lasted longer than a couple months. Which is why when I decided to get married after a year of dating my family was beyond shocked. Me getting scared resulted in me breaking up with someone I still had extremely strong feelings for. We lost contact, and every once in a while over the years we would run into each other or, I'd send him a message to see how things were going for him. 

We both got married and didn't talk to each other for a good long while.

Fast forward a little bit, we both split up with our partners, and ended up spending time together, at first it was just as friends, then it turned into something more. So, we decided to take a chance on something, even though it sounded crazy, and scared the hell out of both of us. 

We have received a lot of Feedback. Mostly good, but some, not so good.

At first it really really bothered me, I almost let people talk me out of happiness. But then I realized something, I am happier now than I have been probably ever. So why would I let people who clearly don't care about my happiness as much as they care about what my happiness looks like to the general public, ruin something so amazing, that I go to bed smiling every night, and wake up smiling every morning? 

He makes me feel like I actually have worth, he makes me feel pretty at my worst, and breathtaking at my best. 

He makes me feel like I can be myself and it's totally rad. 

He takes me on dates to remind me that I'm worth his time, and effort.

He knows me better than even some of my closest friends and family. 

For hells sake he bought me 70 Vinyl records and a record player for Christmas because he wanted my Christmas to be special.

He hates people with me; and is perfectly fine with us bailing out on social events to watch Netflix and eat pizza.

We laugh, we cry, we argue all the time, and I wouldn't trade it for ANYTHING.

I'm in love with my best friend, he makes me happy, and frankly it's none of your business. So, you can either be supportive, or you can get over it. Because I won't hesitate to show you the exit if you can't. 

Happily ever after?

Sometimes we meet people, and everything leading up to meeting them seems as if it's fate, that we are meant to be together, and you know what, Sometimes we are. But, sometimes fate isn't enough to make a relationship work. 

Let me tell you a love story.

It begins with a hallway. A girl meets a boy, she forgets to ask him his name, she thinks she'll never see him again. Then, fate brings them together via the Internet. They meet up, and realize that they had met before, they then decide that they have fate on their side, they must have been meant to be.

Fast forward a year, they get married. They are 20 years old and think nothing can tear them apart. They begin a life together. And things seem to be great for a while. But then, almost a year later they begin to make each other miserable. They try everything they can think of to fix things, but they just can't. And as quickly as it began, their relationship comes to an end. 

It's hard to re-wire your brain into realizing that life isn't over just because your marriage is. In fact; it's not just you making it hard on yourself, other people make it really hard. 

If I've learned anything from this nightmare, it's this. Sometimes things don't go the way you want them to, and that's OKAY. You may feel like you've run out of breath from time to time, but you're still breathing. You may feel like you are completely hopeless, but you aren't. And you may feel like nobody will ever love you again, but that's NOT TRUE. 

You control your fate, fate does not control you. If you want to be happy, then be happy. If you feel like you aren't the person you want to be, become that person. Don't let a case of "fate gone wrong" keep you from living your life. 

Sometimes happily ever after, doesn't require a prince riding in on his white horse and sweeping you off your feet. Sometimes happily ever after comes from you, doing what you need to do to make yourself happy.

Things NOT to say to someone who's going through a divorce.

Going through a divorce is hard. There's no doubt about that. But one thing I've noticed, is the hardest part is dealing with people around you. Because (A) everyone thinks it's their business. (B) people think they NEED to say something even if they don't. (C) people are judgy as hell. So, here's a guide for everyone who HASN'T gone through a divorce on what you definitely should not say to someone who is going through a divorce. 

"I'm sure you're not feeling up to it, but....."

I'm sorry? Since when do you get to decide what I'm not feeling up to? 

"Unless you'd feel uncomfortable because you are alone..."

Thanks for the painful reminder.

"Are you okay?", "I don't believe you."

Okay, look, while its nice that you're concerned, literally EVERYONE is asking if I'm okay like constantly and has been since the decision to divorce was made public knowledge.

"I'm sorry it didn't work out, I always hoped it would with you two."

No, really?! So did I, but obviously it didn't because here we are. You've pretty much just told this person "that's stupid why couldn't you make it work, I liked them"

"Who's getting (insert object or pet or children) in the divorce?" If you've never dealt with sorting through your belongings with someone who you once thought you'd never be without again then you probably don't know this but that conversation is PAINFUL. In my particular situation I lost my cat. Who was basically my child. Chances are that's a really touchy subject and is also totally none of your business. 

"I don't want to say something stupid and offend you, so I won't tell you what I think." 

You totally just did. Consider me offended.

"I know someone who would really like to meet you, you'd be good together."

I shouldn't even have to explain why this is a stupid thing to say.

"Weren't you only married for (insert marriage length here)?"

.....sigh.

"What happened?" 

Ok seriously? You really think I want to re-live that with you?

No. Just no.

So basically here's the deal, don't say anything unless the person who is getting divorced asks for your opinion. 

Or, just stick with a simple "if you need anything let me know, I'm here for you." 

In the words of thumper "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."

Standing still in traffic.

I had a dream last night. 
It was midday and I was standing in the road. Cars flew by, none of them hitting me, none of them seeming to acknowledge my very existence.  I stood there, a look on my face that appeared to be confusion. Like I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing. Every one was in a hurry. I had somewhere to be, but I couldn't bring myself to go.
When I woke up, I did what I do every day, I got up, got ready for the day, had some breakfast, and left for work.
The end of the day came and it hit me, that same feeling of standing in traffic hadn't left. 

The world has been crazy lately, people are preparing for the apocalypse.  Now, I'm not saying the world isn't going to end soon, but I'm also not saying it is. The truth is, none of us actually KNOW. Some like to think that they do, but they don't know for a fact the exact date,  time, and what color of underwear they will be wearing the day the world does end.
So, why are people spending so much time panicking,  instead of spending time to enjoy what time on earth we may or may not have left?
I'm sorry, but I refuse to be in such a rush to get to the end of the earth,  that I pass by the opportunity to do what I'd actually like to do before I don't have a chance anymore. 

So no, sorry, I'm not going to read the articles you share on your Facebook page
about how and when the world will end. 

I'm not going to hide in a bunker and wait for it to happen.

I'm not going to quit my job and devote my life to warning others to hurry and find Jesus.

And most importantly I am NOT going to let the fear of what's to come, keep me from spending what time I left being happy. I won't do it.

Am I scared of earthquakes? Oh, hell yeah. 
The sun going dark? You betcha.
Super Volcanos? Abso-freaking-lutely.

But am I going to let that occupy my mind 24/7? NO.

The point is, who actually knows what's going to happen, and when? I sure don't.  And to be honest,  I'd rather not know.

So, tomorrow, I'm going to get up, I'm going to get ready, I'm going to enjoy my day. I'm not going to do research on every sign ever that the end of the world is coming, I'm not going to go climb into my bunker, hug my knees and rock back and forth ranting and raving about when it's going to happen.

If that means I'm going to be standing in the traffic of life while everyone else goes speeding by, so be it. 

Taking the Scenic Route.

Over the course of 21 years of being alive,  I have come to realize something about myself. I have an awful habit of rushing through things.  I spend more time thinking about how to get to the end as quickly as possible,  looking for shortcuts in everything.  Never taking the time to take the scenic route.

I have this problem in everything I do. From traveling,  to falling in love. I never take the time to fully enjoy the journey,  as I am spending every waking moment worrying about the destination.

There always has to be an end game with me; I can't just sit back and see where life takes me. I can't even drink a simple cup of coffee to enjoy the taste, I have to drink it quickly as to hurry up and get that caffeine in my system.

As I was traveling to Atlanta this morning I had a 2 hour layover in Charlotte.  As I sat waiting for my plane I had plenty of time to people watch.  As this is one of my favorite activities I relished in the opportunity to do so. However, this time I was extremely distracted,  with worrying about how slow time was going before I would be able to board my flight.  Suddenly, sitting there I realized, I was spending so much time letting myself be stressed about my final destination,  that I was letting myself become distracted from the pleasure of doing something I ACTUALLY enjoyed.

I refuse to let myself be distracted by the final destination any longer. Life is too short to stress out about how short life is. Instead; I will allow myself to roll with the punches,  to experience life. It's ups, it's downs.  I will dance in the rain, I will cry when I'm upset,  and laugh when I'm happy.  I will take time to enjoy a cup of coffee, I will enjoy the opportunity to people watch in between flights.
I will stop taking shortcuts and actually take the time to enjoy the scenic route.

Karaoke and Always talking to Strangers.

This last month has consisted of me meeting new people, along with reuniting with old friends.  It's showed me just how socially awkward I've become.
My palms sweat, my voice shakes, I talk fast, or not at all... but the biggest thing I've noticed is that when people ask about me I literally haven't got a clue what to say.
"What are your hobbies? " "Ummmm... *turning to friends next to me*what are my hobbies?" I can't even answer for myself! Like what the hell is that about?
Whenever these conversations happen I go home and face palm in the mirror and say "Shay, what were you thinking?!"  Because I KNOW that I am not this socially awkward person I've become. I used to know exactly who I was,  what I liked, what I didn't.. I was confident enough to talk to complete strangers, FLIRT even with complete strangers.
So where IS that version of myself?

I caught a glimpse a couple weekends ago of my old self. I was at this restaurant/bar with a couple friends. I was having so much fun laughing at everyone else and chatting it up with my friends that I opened up and jumped out of my shell quickly. So quickly in fact,  that before I knew it I was up on stage singing karaoke. When I realized the trouble I had just gotten myself into I froze.  Then,  the music started, and I looked at my friend. I saw a look in her eyes I hadn't seen in YEARS. A look of "holy crap, she's so brave, you go girl!" And I instantly turned into myself.  And I had SO.MUCH.FUN! I even got up a couple more times! I talked to multiple strangers who complimented me on my voice after I sang.  And when I got home that night,  I felt more like myself than I have in years. I was genuinely happy!  I felt good in my own skin!

So, here are some more goals to add to my self improvement list.

A) When you have a chance to sing, ALWAYS sing.

B) When there is music,  always dance.

C) Forget what you were taught as a kid, ALWAYS talk to strangers.

D) Speak for yourself! Don't let anyone else answer for you.

E) Never forget that you are beautiful in your own unique way, inside and out.

I have a feeling that the old Shay is making a comeback.  And I am so excited. 

Let go. It's okay.

Have you ever put everything you've got into making something work? Your whole heart, your soul, your mind,  your body? Your entire being. Only to discover it was never going to work, because the other force involved has stopped trying?
It's one of the worst feelings in the world.  You can want it with everything you are,  and still no amount of wanting, wishing,  or hoping can fix what's already broken.

And yet, you still push on. You still give and give, and it's like trying to start a fire while someone continues to pour water over it. All it would take to start the fire would be for the person putting it out to realize that they want the warmth too, and starting to help building it rather than putting it out.
But they won't.  Or if they do, they try for a few moments and then go right back to putting it out. At what point do you realize you need to look out for your own survival, and build your fire elsewhere. Leaving that person to figure out their own way of surviving?

I mean at some point you have to let go, and realize that you have to look out for yourself. Because if you spend forever battling someone else's demons, you've just given yours permission to take over.

When you've invested so much of yourself into one thing for so long, it's hard to let go. But sometimes it gets to a point where every day is a struggle to stay alive.  You lose sight of the things that really matter.  You lose sight of YOU. Who you are, your hopes,  your dreams... you slowly turn into someone you don't recognize.

You have the power to be happy.  To be who you want to be. 
So just... Let go.

Confessions of the Rubber Band Girl

My friends have always seen me as that girl that can handle anything.  The girl that could walk through hell and come out without so much as a scratch. 
In middle school I had a teacher who even called me rubber band girl.

I guess to an extent yeah, I am fairly resilient.  But my resilience does not come without scars.  Most of these scars are emotional or mental. But some are physically there.

People telling me how strong I am actually makes me angry sometimes.  Because they think it's so effortless.  When in reality it's hell. It's a constant battle.  A battle that I don't always win.
Some times I have days when I can't force myself out of bed. There are nights when I wake up SCREAMING.  There are times when I have to take medication to dull my anxiety enough to even get an hour of sleep. There are times when I sit in the bathtub and cry for hours.
There are days that I have to force a smile on my face and talk to these people who think the world of me for being "so strong" when all I want to do is run away and cry or hide.

Depression, Anxiety, and PTSD are hard.
Sometimes I am weak.
So if I seem negative at times, or like I don't care,  just know that it is probably because I've run out of the energy it takes to use all of my strength trying to keep myself from going under.
The truth is,  it's exhausting to be the rubber band girl.

"SHAY" is currently under construction.

Here I am, 2 AM, laying awake in my bed. I know that I should be asleep, but I am to frustrated with myself to allow myself to stop obsessing over what to everyone else would seem to be "small things". These "small things" may seem stupid and microscopic to everyone else while there are so many things going on in the world around us, but they keep me awake at night often.  These are things I can fix. I can't fix the recession,  I can't stop the floods or earthquakes or tornadoes,  I can't put an end to all of the violence going on around us. But I can fix myself.
So, here is a list of things,  that I need/want to fix about myself.

Number one; Be Bold.
To people who have known me for a long time, this might seem like something I don't need to work on at all. People I knew in high school know me as the girl who didn't take crap from anyone.  The kind of girl who would tell you how it is. Who wasn't afraid to yell "Hey! You're cute!" To a complete stranger. This girl, however disappeared suddenly when I left the comfort of my hometown and developed social anxiety.  The person I am now is the type of person who would rather develop a kidney infection than ask you where your restroom is, the type of person who would rather eat something I didn't like, instead of telling my waitress it's not what I ordered.
It's become a real problem in my life. I let people boss me around, and I act like it's totally okay even when it causes me to come home crying at the end of the day. 
And I'm over it. I want to go back to the attitude of "don't tell me how to live my life,  I'll freak out."

Number two; Love yourself.
I worked really really hard to become comfortable with myself after my sophomore year in high school. My first 2 years I developed a habit of eating my feelings. Which wasn't healthy. My third year I developed a habit of forcing myself not to eat. I remember a few times where all I had to eat that day was a handful of saltine crackers and I'd drink 4 water bottles. My senior year I began to develop a healthier lifestyle.  I'd eat 3 meals a day,  plenty of fruits and veggies, and I would dance,  a lot. This gave me a huge confidence boost and for the first time in my life I was comfortable in my own skin.
I want to be able to accept myself again.  To be able to look in the mirror and say "you're not the size 3 you were in high school, but that's okay.  You are healthy, and happy, and you are perfect the way you are."

Number three; Stop compromising.
I've always struggled with this one. I've always let people get in the way of me doing what I want to do. I wanted to go to Thailand for 6 months to teach english, I let a boy talk me out of it, I wanted to be a teacher,  I let my fellow college students talk me out of it by telling me it was too much school, the list goes on and on.
I want to be my own person. I want to do, what I want to do. And I don't want to let ANYONE stand in my way ever again.

Number four; Life sucks, Get over it.
The last year or so I have been struggling with letting my past control me.
I've been letting past trauma take over my life, I've been unwilling to accept the fact that a lot of people I used to be close with aren't in my life anymore, all around I've been living so far into my past that my present life is passing by without me.
I need to learn how to tell myself to shut up, grow up and get over it!

Number five; Smile.
I used to be such a positive, outgoing person. Now I actually have to force myself to smile or laugh when I'm not at home. Which happens to be a big problem when the majority of your job involves being up close and personal to people and getting to know them. It's also a problem when you work on people's smiles while you, yourself don't ever smile.
So I need to freaking smile and stop taking life so seriously.

I'm sure I will add more to this list as time goes on but for now, these are some things I need to work on to better myself.
Which leads me into
Number six; follow through.
We've all made a new years resolution at one point. The vast majority of us have broken said new years resolution.  I am probably the biggest new years resolution breaker EVER. That being said, I need to FOLLOW THROUGH with this. So, if at anytime you see me not doing one of these things when I should be, please, please, PLEASE remind me.

Tell me I can't, I dare you.

re·sil·ience
rəˈzilyəns/
noun
noun: resilience; plural noun: resiliences
1.
the ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape; elasticity.
2.
the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.

If you had asked me to name my strengths a year ago, I probably would have given you the generic job interview answers; outgoing,  positive, works well with others, blah, blah, blah,  etc. In fact it wasn't until my first day of therapy in April that began to use the word resilient to describe myself.
I was asked before I came to make a list of my weaknesses and to make a list of my strengths. When my counselor read my lists she looked at me and said "you listed 10 weaknesses,  and only 5 strengths... why is that? " I shrugged "those are the only ones I could think of." She scribbled something on a notepad, I'm sure it was something along the lines of "depressed, with self confidence issues" she then asked me to tell her my story. 
I began to tell her my life story from start to finish. For those who aren't as familiar with my trials, I will tell you a condensed version now.

When I was born, I was adopted.  My birth mother was a teen, and couldn't give me the care that I needed.  So I went to my parents. A lovely couple who had been given the trial of not being able to conceive.  I was placed into a loving family with a kind and loving mother and father, as well as an incredibly smart, and talented older brother. Things were great, my parents never kept my adoption a secret,  they were very open about it from the start. I never knew my birth mothers name, or anything about her really for most of my childhood. Which was alright. Life was great,  I was a very active child, and I loved spending time with my daddy. I would help him mow the lawn, we would dance around the house, all sorts of fun daddy/daughter adventures. He was my best friend. I was a very happy kid. But when I was 10, we got a phone call that changed my life. In an instant I went from 10 years old with out a care in the world, to having to be an adult. I knew somehow that the phone call wasn't good so, I stayed on the line as the doctor told my mom that my dad had stomach cancer. I don't remember exactly how long my dad's battle with cancer lasted, but I remember it was horrible. I remember him losing his hair, I remember watching him physically transform right before my eyes, from my sweet dad,  so full of life, to a sick, dying stranger I hardly recognized. I remember them having to remove his stomach, he had to use a machine to eat. I remember having to pack his incision with gauze because my mom didn't always have the emotional strength to do it by herself.  I remember praying towards the end that he could just... go. So that he wouldn't have to suffer anymore. Eventually my prayers were answered and he was gone. I knew he was in a better place and wasn't suffering anymore but it didn't make it any easier.  About a year or two later my mother had to have open heart surgery, she was in and out of the hospital on a monthly basis for a long while after and there were times where we honestly could have lost her.. it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with.
3 years later I got myself into a bad situation in which I was sexually abused, I won't go into this any more than that as it is something I am still recovering from.

*Im sure by now you're wondering if there is a point to this, and I promise there is.*

I have been through an eating disorder, friends passing away, I have been a victim of bullying, I have battled depression, PTSD, there have been a lot of other trials that I have gone through, and if you want to learn more about them, we can talk about it sometime.
The point is. I went through all of this. And in each of these moments I felt like there was no way I would ever recover from them.  But, I have. I have trained myself to become resilient. And this is the point she made to me. I should have put on that list that I am resilient, I am a strong person who has been given a road with many bumps, and twists and turns, and I have gone from where I was to where I am now, despite these obstacles. 

This week, I found out that my mother has to go through another open heart surgery.  At first, I was terrified. I cried, and cried, and I honestly thought I couldn't do this again. But I can. I can be strong for my mom while she needs me to,  I can fight my trauma from the things that have happened in my past,  I will come out resilient,  even if it takes everything I have. I can do it.

I will remain resilient.
So, tell me I can't,  I dare you.

Add sugar as needed.

Do you ever just suddenly realize that you have no idea what you're doing? Like you've just been going through the motions like a ship tossed about on the sea during a storm and you've suddenly found yourself shipwrecked on some foreign land in the middle of nowhere? 

I often wish I could go back and reset my course. Go back to my innocence, away from all the poison I so willingly introduced to my bloodstream, away from all the demons nipping at my heels.

I feel like I'm constantly fighting for my life, like the demons are pulling me under water, and I'm fighting to get to the surface,  fighting for breath,  desperately grasping for the sunlight, praying that I can escape but knowing my fate is inevitable.. But even if I could escape, would I stay on the beach? Or would I dive headfirst back into the great unknown, finding myself right where I was to begin with?

What would become of me if I just gave into the demons? Drank their poison and completely surrendered? would I break free from my own whirlpools of self doubt?  Even for a moment feeling free at last? Only to be followed by drowning in the depths of my own sins, with the smallest possibility of finding the strength to swim to safety, or to learn to tread water without giving up and sinking further into the darkness. 

But I can't give up. I have to much to give.  So, I swim like hell, and hope for the best, If I end up on a strange island I don't know,  I will turn that island into paradise.  Because that is what we are supposed to do as human beings, right?  Make lemonade out of lemons?  No matter how many paper cuts sting while you're squeezing the lemons, no matter how much of your time, you have to put into it, and yeah; it might be sour at first,  but if you continue to add sugar, it will get better with time.

And I guess... that's all I can do. Take life one day at a time, continue to add sugar as needed.

To me 5 years ago.

Dear Shay,
What If I told you that most of the people you spend all of your time trying to impress,  the people you act like someone else around, they won't be in your life for much longer? What would you think? I would say that being yourself is hard,  but isn't it harder to put on a face everyday? To keep yourself from eating because you want to be skinnier, not for yourself but for other people? The people who are really your friends don't care about any of that. They will be there for you no matter who you are. From your silly high school self, to your post graduation meltdown,  they are there for you through your MANY different life adventures, they stick with you when you move to St. George only to decide college is not for you. And some even make the 2 hour drive to Richfield to come visit you in the middle of the night when you move there.  These are the type of people you can trust, the type of people who make you a "Fiercely protective friend award" for your 19th birthday, that still makes you tear up 2 years later. The type of friends who stay up past 3 AM with you the night before your wedding to reassure you that it's okay that you're fake eyelashes are starting to fall off and that you aren't a size 0, that you'll still look beautiful.  They encourage you, protect you, and they love you no matter how far away they are, how many times you screw up, and how often you see them. 
So, stop wasting your time worrying about people who want you to be different.  Because quite honestly, they aren't going to stick around to see you at your best anyway.
You aren't perfect, but you are amazing just the way you are.
Love,
You at 20 years old.
P.s. you have a super hot husband, who doesn't care that you love taco bell,  just saying. (;

Bumblebees

There's a person I know who is always doubting me. No matter how well I do, no matter what it is. This person makes me feel angry, sad,  and often hopeless. But this person can be stopped. Because that person is MYSELF. I am my own worst enemy. I need to stop getting in my own way. 
How often in life do we get in our own way?  How many times have you wanted to do something but have come up with every excuse not to?

Here's why this topic is so relevant to my life right now.

I have ALWAYS wanted to be a Mary Kay consultant. Since I was little. I remember going with my mom to all of these cute parties where we would all get manicures, facials and often times would even come home with free samples. I remember seeing those cute Mary Kay ladies with their pink cars, their beautiful make up and most of all how smiley and happy they always were.  I wanted so bad to be them.

I have had many opportunities to become a consultant,  but there I was, standing there doubting myself! It was always "Shay, you'd never be able to sell product." Or "Shay, you'll never be good enough to be like them".

And then, one day I read a quote.  Which happened to be by the great Mary Kay Ash herself "Don't let the negative things of life control you, rise above them, use them as your stepping stones to rise higher than you ever dreamed possible." So, I gave into the pink! And as worried as I was I knew it would all work out.  Because I was the only thing keeping me from my dreams. I just have to learn to tell myself to shut up!

Luckily, I am blessed enough to have an amazing director to help me along the way! (: I am going to be successful. Just you wait and see (:

Photograph

Have you ever looked at an old picture and thought about who you were when that picture was taken?  For example. The picture I attached to this post.  You may look at it and think "she looks happy. " but when I look at that picture I remember a girl who lived a life of pain, bad decisions,  and self-abuse. That girl looked in the mirror every morning and told herself lies. She tried to convince herself that she was happy with the way she was living. That she didn't NEED god,  or love or anything  that everyone kept trying to get her to wake up and realize that she needed. She took the pain she felt and covered it up with poison. Pills, alcohol,  bad company.  It's Unbelievable to me that I was once that girl from the photograph. I cannot believe i let myself become that girl. I cannot believe that my now husband loved me even though I was that girl. That he saw potential in me at my lowest point and helped me to become who I am. In 5 years when I look back at a photograph from now who knows what I will see in that photograph.

You.

I tried to come up with a way to address you. As this is a letter.  I thought of "Dear You" but to call you Dear would be like calling a lion a lamb. You are not dear to me. You are poison.  You got into my blood stream and killed the parts of me that were mine.  You injected them with thoughts of you. And the way you MADE me become.
So I suppose I'll start this as such:

YOU,
I hope you realize how much you messed me up. I hope you realize that every time my husband kisses me, part of me is terrified. Terrified that I'll think of you if it goes to far. Terrified that I'll have to see your face again in the horrible fashion that I always do. That I'll remember the memories I've tried so hard to suppress.  That I'll remember how you spoke to me, venom spilling out of your mouth, telling me it was my fault.  That I was to blame. You scared me into hiding it. So that you could move on to some other helpless soul and fill her with the same destructive venom you filled my veins with.  You told me I wanted this, but I didn't.  I remember shouting at you to stop, I remember praying for it to end. I remember wishing I was strong enough to push you away, but you were much bigger than I was. I was only 14. I had my whole life ahead. I had dreams and hopes and so much love to give, but in one foul swoop,  you took it all away. You left bruises on my wrists and when my friends asked what happened I defended you. I defended you while everything inside of me screamed out that you hurt me. crying for help. I defended you because you told me if I ever told anyone that you would kill me. You left me completely ruined emotionally. You made me feel like I had no worth. That now that I had lost the one thing that made me pure, against my choice, that I was never capable of finding real love.

You, I hope you know that I have forgiven myself, forgiven myself for something that wasn't even my mistake. But I don't know if I can forgive you. Because of you, I cannot sleep without having dreams so vivid recapturing the memories you caused that I wake up screaming and crying. I can forgive you for what you did to me. But I cannot forgive you for what you did to my husband by doing what you did to me. Because of you my husband cannot touch me without feeling like at any moment I could burst into tears or have an anxiety attack. Because of you when I have these episodes he thinks it's his fault. HE is suffering for YOUR mistakes.  Because YOU weren't man enough to realize that I was a person, not an object.

You,  I hope that never again will another girl have to go through what you put me through.

You, I am now aware enough to say that it was not my fault.  I did not ask for it. I did not encourage it. YOU DID THIS TO ME. Against my will.

Sincerely, 
A girl you used for your own selfish agenda.

To thine own self be true.

"Love yourself.  Forgive yourself. Be true to yourself. How you treat yourself will sets the standard for how others treat you."
-Steve Maraboli

I've always had trouble being myself. In elementary school I tried to be older than I was to seem more mature, in middle school I tried to be popular, my first two years of high school I tried to seem more rebellious than I really was, my last two years of high school I tried to seem like the outgoing,  flirtatious girl that I never really was, and even now I hold back my personality because I don't want people to judge me as the person I actually am, because if I show them my real raw self they could completely hate me or just think I'm stupid.  This of course completely backfires and makes me seem super awkward and I always come home feeling like a complete idiot.

I need to learn how to be myself and not care what other people think about me.  I am at my happiest points when I am being completely myself.

Sadly, only a handful of people have ever actually seen the real me. And that makes me sad. 

I feel that that can be said about most of us. We hide ourselves behind technology, or makeup,  or a different personality, masking who we really are because it's what is considered "Socially Acceptable". I hate that term.  Why does it really matter what society thinks? Shouldn't it be about what God thinks about us ? Or what we think about ourselves?  

I am giving myself a challenge and I would like to extend the same challenge to you.
Make an effort to be yourself.  The whole you. Let's get rid of what is "socially acceptable."

In the words of Shakespeare: "To thine own self be true!"

Seeds.

If you haven't read Alma 32, and I don't mean just read I mean in depth read, ponder and prayed about it, I highly recommend you do so immediately. 

It's something so simple, that I've heard over and over. There's even a primary song about it "faith is like a little seed, when planted it will grow"
But one thing I've overlooked until tonight is this...you can't just grow it and not water it. If you don't water a seed it dies. If you aren't constantly trying to better yourself and strengthen your faith, you will neglect it.
This is what has happened to me.

I am now beginning to regrow my seed and I will make a commitment to keep it growing.

I Need Thee EVERY Hour.

I need the every hour,  most gracious lord, no tender voice like thine, can peace afford.

I need thee every hour, stay now near by, temptations loose their power when thou art nigh. 

I need thee every hour in joy or pain, come quickly and abide or life is vain.

I need thee every hour, most holy one, oh make me thine indead thou blessed son.

I need thee, oh I need thee,  every hour I need thee, oh bless me now, my savior, I come to thee.

Words I have sung a thousand times, words I have meant without even knowing it. I do need my savior. Every hour. Every day. In joy, in pain. When I need peace, when I need guidance,  when I face temptation. Countless times I have felt his love. Even when I think I don't need him, he is there.  He knows me by name. He knows every pain I have ever felt. He knows every joy I have felt. Through him, no matter how many times I mess up, he will forgive me. Even when I feel completely alone,and not worth his love, he is there.  When I cannot stand,  he is there to pick me up off my knees and help me move forward. When I am frightened he is there to hold my hand. When I come to him in pain, begging to him for guidance, he calms my soul and sends me guidance.  He gives me peace when I can find none. 

He is my savior, the redeemer of my soul. And I NEED him.... EVERY hour.

Quiet my fears, Restore my faith.

D&C 24:8 Reads;
"Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many, but endure them, for lo, I am with thee, even until the end of thy days." 
If you have known me for a long time you probably know of a few of the more major afflictions in my life. Some of these being the long and painful process of watching my father battle and eventually lose the battle with stomach cancer,  watching my mother suffer through the illnesses she has been burdened with, processing the fact that I was, In fact, adopted, and coming to terms with the fact that my biological mother is not my mom and that that is okay, along with losing a few very close friends, these among other trials have been very hard, and low points in my life.
But they are just that. Trials. A trial is defined as
"A test of the performance, qualities, or suitability of someone or something"
In school we are often given tests to see what we already know, or what we can work on,  they are also a way of teaching us things as well as to learn what we can handle.
In many ways the trials we are given are like those tests. God gives us trials to see what we know, how we solve them, how we deal with the things he gives us, and to teach us some thing.  We also know that God would not give us something we could not handle. A lot of times when I took tests in school I remember stating "this is too hard. I can't do this." After some reassurance from my teachers that I could,  in fact handle it, I would eventually finish my tests.

The nice thing about these trials is that even though they are hard, God stays by us the whole time.
I really like the story where God is walking a long side a man, when the man looks back he asks "why is there only one set of footprints? Why did you abandon me?"To which God replies "My son, I never once abandoned you, those are the times when you felt you couldn't do it by yourself,  so I carried you."
We may not realize it but god is always with us.
Just like the scripture I quoted in the beginning, he will always be there, even until the end of our days.

GET.OVER.IT.

This week something has been driving me crazy.
One sentence that has literally been causing me headaches,  anxiety attacks, and even caused me to throw up in one situation.
So, here it is.
and I'll even write it in big BOLD letters just so it sinks in.

I AM NOT THE SAME PERSON I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL/SHORTLY AFTER HIGH SCHOOL.

It makes me so mad when people say that I can't be successful or that my marriage won't last. in high school, you're right. I was a slacker.  I sucked at staying in a relationship for long, I dated a lot. I didn't have my life figured out and I didn't want to be the person I actually am. And I could sit here and explain to you the psychological reasons behind who I used to be, but who the hell cares?  The point is that I have grown up a lot. I work as hard as I can.

Yes, I used to blow through friendships I had over the years, does that mean I'm bad at friendships? Maybe. But who is the perfect friend 24/7? Chances are you probably don't know the whole story. Most of the friendships I have intentionally ended were due to bad influences,  or mistreatment in general. Are you still best friends with every single individual you have ever claimed as a friend in the entire span of your life?

I am an entirely different person, the better version of me. The real me. And truthfully very few people have ever actually known me for exactly who I am.
And if you've known me for a long while I'm sure you're assuming one of those people is someone who I used to claim as my best friend. But no. You're wrong. That person has NO IDEA who I am. Though that person claims to know everything about me. My immediate family, and Carson are the only two people who really know me. So unless you fall into that category,  you can stop saying stuff about who you think I am.
Ok? Cool,
Now that we are past that point,  if you want to get to know the REAL Shay, let's chat.  If not, this is where you can exit my life.

Hit Rewind.

"If you could go back and fix one thing about your life what would it be?"

When my friend asked me this question 3 years ago I had about a dozen answers.  It didn't take me long to whip them out without really taking a moment to analyze what changing the little things in my life would have done to my life at the present time. As I'm sure we all do from time to time.
We are so quick to think on the past and think "oh I could have done (insert personal experience) better..." or "oh! Why did I do that?" But have you ever stopped to think,  really think about how that one thing led to something else which let to another something and that cycle continued to land you where you are right now?
And for some of us, things are great right now.
For others maybe your big moment of "aha!" Hasn't happened yet. If that's the case then shouldn't we spend less time worrying about what we did or didn't do and start worrying about what we can or will do? We ultimately control our happiness.  If you spend time living in the past, as I often find myself doing,  what's going to stop time from moving on without you?
There is no rewind button for life, There is no pause, No reset, we only have the option to move forward.. to make our movie a great one.

If that friend asked me that question now.. I would confidently smile and reply
"Not a damn thing."
Because I wouldn't.  Would you?