Quiet my fears, Restore my faith.

D&C 24:8 Reads;
"Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many, but endure them, for lo, I am with thee, even until the end of thy days." 
If you have known me for a long time you probably know of a few of the more major afflictions in my life. Some of these being the long and painful process of watching my father battle and eventually lose the battle with stomach cancer,  watching my mother suffer through the illnesses she has been burdened with, processing the fact that I was, In fact, adopted, and coming to terms with the fact that my biological mother is not my mom and that that is okay, along with losing a few very close friends, these among other trials have been very hard, and low points in my life.
But they are just that. Trials. A trial is defined as
"A test of the performance, qualities, or suitability of someone or something"
In school we are often given tests to see what we already know, or what we can work on,  they are also a way of teaching us things as well as to learn what we can handle.
In many ways the trials we are given are like those tests. God gives us trials to see what we know, how we solve them, how we deal with the things he gives us, and to teach us some thing.  We also know that God would not give us something we could not handle. A lot of times when I took tests in school I remember stating "this is too hard. I can't do this." After some reassurance from my teachers that I could,  in fact handle it, I would eventually finish my tests.

The nice thing about these trials is that even though they are hard, God stays by us the whole time.
I really like the story where God is walking a long side a man, when the man looks back he asks "why is there only one set of footprints? Why did you abandon me?"To which God replies "My son, I never once abandoned you, those are the times when you felt you couldn't do it by yourself,  so I carried you."
We may not realize it but god is always with us.
Just like the scripture I quoted in the beginning, he will always be there, even until the end of our days.

GET.OVER.IT.

This week something has been driving me crazy.
One sentence that has literally been causing me headaches,  anxiety attacks, and even caused me to throw up in one situation.
So, here it is.
and I'll even write it in big BOLD letters just so it sinks in.

I AM NOT THE SAME PERSON I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL/SHORTLY AFTER HIGH SCHOOL.

It makes me so mad when people say that I can't be successful or that my marriage won't last. in high school, you're right. I was a slacker.  I sucked at staying in a relationship for long, I dated a lot. I didn't have my life figured out and I didn't want to be the person I actually am. And I could sit here and explain to you the psychological reasons behind who I used to be, but who the hell cares?  The point is that I have grown up a lot. I work as hard as I can.

Yes, I used to blow through friendships I had over the years, does that mean I'm bad at friendships? Maybe. But who is the perfect friend 24/7? Chances are you probably don't know the whole story. Most of the friendships I have intentionally ended were due to bad influences,  or mistreatment in general. Are you still best friends with every single individual you have ever claimed as a friend in the entire span of your life?

I am an entirely different person, the better version of me. The real me. And truthfully very few people have ever actually known me for exactly who I am.
And if you've known me for a long while I'm sure you're assuming one of those people is someone who I used to claim as my best friend. But no. You're wrong. That person has NO IDEA who I am. Though that person claims to know everything about me. My immediate family, and Carson are the only two people who really know me. So unless you fall into that category,  you can stop saying stuff about who you think I am.
Ok? Cool,
Now that we are past that point,  if you want to get to know the REAL Shay, let's chat.  If not, this is where you can exit my life.

Hit Rewind.

"If you could go back and fix one thing about your life what would it be?"

When my friend asked me this question 3 years ago I had about a dozen answers.  It didn't take me long to whip them out without really taking a moment to analyze what changing the little things in my life would have done to my life at the present time. As I'm sure we all do from time to time.
We are so quick to think on the past and think "oh I could have done (insert personal experience) better..." or "oh! Why did I do that?" But have you ever stopped to think,  really think about how that one thing led to something else which let to another something and that cycle continued to land you where you are right now?
And for some of us, things are great right now.
For others maybe your big moment of "aha!" Hasn't happened yet. If that's the case then shouldn't we spend less time worrying about what we did or didn't do and start worrying about what we can or will do? We ultimately control our happiness.  If you spend time living in the past, as I often find myself doing,  what's going to stop time from moving on without you?
There is no rewind button for life, There is no pause, No reset, we only have the option to move forward.. to make our movie a great one.

If that friend asked me that question now.. I would confidently smile and reply
"Not a damn thing."
Because I wouldn't.  Would you?