Add sugar as needed.

Do you ever just suddenly realize that you have no idea what you're doing? Like you've just been going through the motions like a ship tossed about on the sea during a storm and you've suddenly found yourself shipwrecked on some foreign land in the middle of nowhere? 

I often wish I could go back and reset my course. Go back to my innocence, away from all the poison I so willingly introduced to my bloodstream, away from all the demons nipping at my heels.

I feel like I'm constantly fighting for my life, like the demons are pulling me under water, and I'm fighting to get to the surface,  fighting for breath,  desperately grasping for the sunlight, praying that I can escape but knowing my fate is inevitable.. But even if I could escape, would I stay on the beach? Or would I dive headfirst back into the great unknown, finding myself right where I was to begin with?

What would become of me if I just gave into the demons? Drank their poison and completely surrendered? would I break free from my own whirlpools of self doubt?  Even for a moment feeling free at last? Only to be followed by drowning in the depths of my own sins, with the smallest possibility of finding the strength to swim to safety, or to learn to tread water without giving up and sinking further into the darkness. 

But I can't give up. I have to much to give.  So, I swim like hell, and hope for the best, If I end up on a strange island I don't know,  I will turn that island into paradise.  Because that is what we are supposed to do as human beings, right?  Make lemonade out of lemons?  No matter how many paper cuts sting while you're squeezing the lemons, no matter how much of your time, you have to put into it, and yeah; it might be sour at first,  but if you continue to add sugar, it will get better with time.

And I guess... that's all I can do. Take life one day at a time, continue to add sugar as needed.

To me 5 years ago.

Dear Shay,
What If I told you that most of the people you spend all of your time trying to impress,  the people you act like someone else around, they won't be in your life for much longer? What would you think? I would say that being yourself is hard,  but isn't it harder to put on a face everyday? To keep yourself from eating because you want to be skinnier, not for yourself but for other people? The people who are really your friends don't care about any of that. They will be there for you no matter who you are. From your silly high school self, to your post graduation meltdown,  they are there for you through your MANY different life adventures, they stick with you when you move to St. George only to decide college is not for you. And some even make the 2 hour drive to Richfield to come visit you in the middle of the night when you move there.  These are the type of people you can trust, the type of people who make you a "Fiercely protective friend award" for your 19th birthday, that still makes you tear up 2 years later. The type of friends who stay up past 3 AM with you the night before your wedding to reassure you that it's okay that you're fake eyelashes are starting to fall off and that you aren't a size 0, that you'll still look beautiful.  They encourage you, protect you, and they love you no matter how far away they are, how many times you screw up, and how often you see them. 
So, stop wasting your time worrying about people who want you to be different.  Because quite honestly, they aren't going to stick around to see you at your best anyway.
You aren't perfect, but you are amazing just the way you are.
Love,
You at 20 years old.
P.s. you have a super hot husband, who doesn't care that you love taco bell,  just saying. (;