You.

I tried to come up with a way to address you. As this is a letter.  I thought of "Dear You" but to call you Dear would be like calling a lion a lamb. You are not dear to me. You are poison.  You got into my blood stream and killed the parts of me that were mine.  You injected them with thoughts of you. And the way you MADE me become.
So I suppose I'll start this as such:

YOU,
I hope you realize how much you messed me up. I hope you realize that every time my husband kisses me, part of me is terrified. Terrified that I'll think of you if it goes to far. Terrified that I'll have to see your face again in the horrible fashion that I always do. That I'll remember the memories I've tried so hard to suppress.  That I'll remember how you spoke to me, venom spilling out of your mouth, telling me it was my fault.  That I was to blame. You scared me into hiding it. So that you could move on to some other helpless soul and fill her with the same destructive venom you filled my veins with.  You told me I wanted this, but I didn't.  I remember shouting at you to stop, I remember praying for it to end. I remember wishing I was strong enough to push you away, but you were much bigger than I was. I was only 14. I had my whole life ahead. I had dreams and hopes and so much love to give, but in one foul swoop,  you took it all away. You left bruises on my wrists and when my friends asked what happened I defended you. I defended you while everything inside of me screamed out that you hurt me. crying for help. I defended you because you told me if I ever told anyone that you would kill me. You left me completely ruined emotionally. You made me feel like I had no worth. That now that I had lost the one thing that made me pure, against my choice, that I was never capable of finding real love.

You, I hope you know that I have forgiven myself, forgiven myself for something that wasn't even my mistake. But I don't know if I can forgive you. Because of you, I cannot sleep without having dreams so vivid recapturing the memories you caused that I wake up screaming and crying. I can forgive you for what you did to me. But I cannot forgive you for what you did to my husband by doing what you did to me. Because of you my husband cannot touch me without feeling like at any moment I could burst into tears or have an anxiety attack. Because of you when I have these episodes he thinks it's his fault. HE is suffering for YOUR mistakes.  Because YOU weren't man enough to realize that I was a person, not an object.

You,  I hope that never again will another girl have to go through what you put me through.

You, I am now aware enough to say that it was not my fault.  I did not ask for it. I did not encourage it. YOU DID THIS TO ME. Against my will.

Sincerely, 
A girl you used for your own selfish agenda.

To thine own self be true.

"Love yourself.  Forgive yourself. Be true to yourself. How you treat yourself will sets the standard for how others treat you."
-Steve Maraboli

I've always had trouble being myself. In elementary school I tried to be older than I was to seem more mature, in middle school I tried to be popular, my first two years of high school I tried to seem more rebellious than I really was, my last two years of high school I tried to seem like the outgoing,  flirtatious girl that I never really was, and even now I hold back my personality because I don't want people to judge me as the person I actually am, because if I show them my real raw self they could completely hate me or just think I'm stupid.  This of course completely backfires and makes me seem super awkward and I always come home feeling like a complete idiot.

I need to learn how to be myself and not care what other people think about me.  I am at my happiest points when I am being completely myself.

Sadly, only a handful of people have ever actually seen the real me. And that makes me sad. 

I feel that that can be said about most of us. We hide ourselves behind technology, or makeup,  or a different personality, masking who we really are because it's what is considered "Socially Acceptable". I hate that term.  Why does it really matter what society thinks? Shouldn't it be about what God thinks about us ? Or what we think about ourselves?  

I am giving myself a challenge and I would like to extend the same challenge to you.
Make an effort to be yourself.  The whole you. Let's get rid of what is "socially acceptable."

In the words of Shakespeare: "To thine own self be true!"

Seeds.

If you haven't read Alma 32, and I don't mean just read I mean in depth read, ponder and prayed about it, I highly recommend you do so immediately. 

It's something so simple, that I've heard over and over. There's even a primary song about it "faith is like a little seed, when planted it will grow"
But one thing I've overlooked until tonight is this...you can't just grow it and not water it. If you don't water a seed it dies. If you aren't constantly trying to better yourself and strengthen your faith, you will neglect it.
This is what has happened to me.

I am now beginning to regrow my seed and I will make a commitment to keep it growing.

I Need Thee EVERY Hour.

I need the every hour,  most gracious lord, no tender voice like thine, can peace afford.

I need thee every hour, stay now near by, temptations loose their power when thou art nigh. 

I need thee every hour in joy or pain, come quickly and abide or life is vain.

I need thee every hour, most holy one, oh make me thine indead thou blessed son.

I need thee, oh I need thee,  every hour I need thee, oh bless me now, my savior, I come to thee.

Words I have sung a thousand times, words I have meant without even knowing it. I do need my savior. Every hour. Every day. In joy, in pain. When I need peace, when I need guidance,  when I face temptation. Countless times I have felt his love. Even when I think I don't need him, he is there.  He knows me by name. He knows every pain I have ever felt. He knows every joy I have felt. Through him, no matter how many times I mess up, he will forgive me. Even when I feel completely alone,and not worth his love, he is there.  When I cannot stand,  he is there to pick me up off my knees and help me move forward. When I am frightened he is there to hold my hand. When I come to him in pain, begging to him for guidance, he calms my soul and sends me guidance.  He gives me peace when I can find none. 

He is my savior, the redeemer of my soul. And I NEED him.... EVERY hour.