Standing still in traffic.

I had a dream last night. 
It was midday and I was standing in the road. Cars flew by, none of them hitting me, none of them seeming to acknowledge my very existence.  I stood there, a look on my face that appeared to be confusion. Like I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing. Every one was in a hurry. I had somewhere to be, but I couldn't bring myself to go.
When I woke up, I did what I do every day, I got up, got ready for the day, had some breakfast, and left for work.
The end of the day came and it hit me, that same feeling of standing in traffic hadn't left. 

The world has been crazy lately, people are preparing for the apocalypse.  Now, I'm not saying the world isn't going to end soon, but I'm also not saying it is. The truth is, none of us actually KNOW. Some like to think that they do, but they don't know for a fact the exact date,  time, and what color of underwear they will be wearing the day the world does end.
So, why are people spending so much time panicking,  instead of spending time to enjoy what time on earth we may or may not have left?
I'm sorry, but I refuse to be in such a rush to get to the end of the earth,  that I pass by the opportunity to do what I'd actually like to do before I don't have a chance anymore. 

So no, sorry, I'm not going to read the articles you share on your Facebook page
about how and when the world will end. 

I'm not going to hide in a bunker and wait for it to happen.

I'm not going to quit my job and devote my life to warning others to hurry and find Jesus.

And most importantly I am NOT going to let the fear of what's to come, keep me from spending what time I left being happy. I won't do it.

Am I scared of earthquakes? Oh, hell yeah. 
The sun going dark? You betcha.
Super Volcanos? Abso-freaking-lutely.

But am I going to let that occupy my mind 24/7? NO.

The point is, who actually knows what's going to happen, and when? I sure don't.  And to be honest,  I'd rather not know.

So, tomorrow, I'm going to get up, I'm going to get ready, I'm going to enjoy my day. I'm not going to do research on every sign ever that the end of the world is coming, I'm not going to go climb into my bunker, hug my knees and rock back and forth ranting and raving about when it's going to happen.

If that means I'm going to be standing in the traffic of life while everyone else goes speeding by, so be it. 

Taking the Scenic Route.

Over the course of 21 years of being alive,  I have come to realize something about myself. I have an awful habit of rushing through things.  I spend more time thinking about how to get to the end as quickly as possible,  looking for shortcuts in everything.  Never taking the time to take the scenic route.

I have this problem in everything I do. From traveling,  to falling in love. I never take the time to fully enjoy the journey,  as I am spending every waking moment worrying about the destination.

There always has to be an end game with me; I can't just sit back and see where life takes me. I can't even drink a simple cup of coffee to enjoy the taste, I have to drink it quickly as to hurry up and get that caffeine in my system.

As I was traveling to Atlanta this morning I had a 2 hour layover in Charlotte.  As I sat waiting for my plane I had plenty of time to people watch.  As this is one of my favorite activities I relished in the opportunity to do so. However, this time I was extremely distracted,  with worrying about how slow time was going before I would be able to board my flight.  Suddenly, sitting there I realized, I was spending so much time letting myself be stressed about my final destination,  that I was letting myself become distracted from the pleasure of doing something I ACTUALLY enjoyed.

I refuse to let myself be distracted by the final destination any longer. Life is too short to stress out about how short life is. Instead; I will allow myself to roll with the punches,  to experience life. It's ups, it's downs.  I will dance in the rain, I will cry when I'm upset,  and laugh when I'm happy.  I will take time to enjoy a cup of coffee, I will enjoy the opportunity to people watch in between flights.
I will stop taking shortcuts and actually take the time to enjoy the scenic route.

Karaoke and Always talking to Strangers.

This last month has consisted of me meeting new people, along with reuniting with old friends.  It's showed me just how socially awkward I've become.
My palms sweat, my voice shakes, I talk fast, or not at all... but the biggest thing I've noticed is that when people ask about me I literally haven't got a clue what to say.
"What are your hobbies? " "Ummmm... *turning to friends next to me*what are my hobbies?" I can't even answer for myself! Like what the hell is that about?
Whenever these conversations happen I go home and face palm in the mirror and say "Shay, what were you thinking?!"  Because I KNOW that I am not this socially awkward person I've become. I used to know exactly who I was,  what I liked, what I didn't.. I was confident enough to talk to complete strangers, FLIRT even with complete strangers.
So where IS that version of myself?

I caught a glimpse a couple weekends ago of my old self. I was at this restaurant/bar with a couple friends. I was having so much fun laughing at everyone else and chatting it up with my friends that I opened up and jumped out of my shell quickly. So quickly in fact,  that before I knew it I was up on stage singing karaoke. When I realized the trouble I had just gotten myself into I froze.  Then,  the music started, and I looked at my friend. I saw a look in her eyes I hadn't seen in YEARS. A look of "holy crap, she's so brave, you go girl!" And I instantly turned into myself.  And I had SO.MUCH.FUN! I even got up a couple more times! I talked to multiple strangers who complimented me on my voice after I sang.  And when I got home that night,  I felt more like myself than I have in years. I was genuinely happy!  I felt good in my own skin!

So, here are some more goals to add to my self improvement list.

A) When you have a chance to sing, ALWAYS sing.

B) When there is music,  always dance.

C) Forget what you were taught as a kid, ALWAYS talk to strangers.

D) Speak for yourself! Don't let anyone else answer for you.

E) Never forget that you are beautiful in your own unique way, inside and out.

I have a feeling that the old Shay is making a comeback.  And I am so excited. 

Let go. It's okay.

Have you ever put everything you've got into making something work? Your whole heart, your soul, your mind,  your body? Your entire being. Only to discover it was never going to work, because the other force involved has stopped trying?
It's one of the worst feelings in the world.  You can want it with everything you are,  and still no amount of wanting, wishing,  or hoping can fix what's already broken.

And yet, you still push on. You still give and give, and it's like trying to start a fire while someone continues to pour water over it. All it would take to start the fire would be for the person putting it out to realize that they want the warmth too, and starting to help building it rather than putting it out.
But they won't.  Or if they do, they try for a few moments and then go right back to putting it out. At what point do you realize you need to look out for your own survival, and build your fire elsewhere. Leaving that person to figure out their own way of surviving?

I mean at some point you have to let go, and realize that you have to look out for yourself. Because if you spend forever battling someone else's demons, you've just given yours permission to take over.

When you've invested so much of yourself into one thing for so long, it's hard to let go. But sometimes it gets to a point where every day is a struggle to stay alive.  You lose sight of the things that really matter.  You lose sight of YOU. Who you are, your hopes,  your dreams... you slowly turn into someone you don't recognize.

You have the power to be happy.  To be who you want to be. 
So just... Let go.

Confessions of the Rubber Band Girl

My friends have always seen me as that girl that can handle anything.  The girl that could walk through hell and come out without so much as a scratch. 
In middle school I had a teacher who even called me rubber band girl.

I guess to an extent yeah, I am fairly resilient.  But my resilience does not come without scars.  Most of these scars are emotional or mental. But some are physically there.

People telling me how strong I am actually makes me angry sometimes.  Because they think it's so effortless.  When in reality it's hell. It's a constant battle.  A battle that I don't always win.
Some times I have days when I can't force myself out of bed. There are nights when I wake up SCREAMING.  There are times when I have to take medication to dull my anxiety enough to even get an hour of sleep. There are times when I sit in the bathtub and cry for hours.
There are days that I have to force a smile on my face and talk to these people who think the world of me for being "so strong" when all I want to do is run away and cry or hide.

Depression, Anxiety, and PTSD are hard.
Sometimes I am weak.
So if I seem negative at times, or like I don't care,  just know that it is probably because I've run out of the energy it takes to use all of my strength trying to keep myself from going under.
The truth is,  it's exhausting to be the rubber band girl.

"SHAY" is currently under construction.

Here I am, 2 AM, laying awake in my bed. I know that I should be asleep, but I am to frustrated with myself to allow myself to stop obsessing over what to everyone else would seem to be "small things". These "small things" may seem stupid and microscopic to everyone else while there are so many things going on in the world around us, but they keep me awake at night often.  These are things I can fix. I can't fix the recession,  I can't stop the floods or earthquakes or tornadoes,  I can't put an end to all of the violence going on around us. But I can fix myself.
So, here is a list of things,  that I need/want to fix about myself.

Number one; Be Bold.
To people who have known me for a long time, this might seem like something I don't need to work on at all. People I knew in high school know me as the girl who didn't take crap from anyone.  The kind of girl who would tell you how it is. Who wasn't afraid to yell "Hey! You're cute!" To a complete stranger. This girl, however disappeared suddenly when I left the comfort of my hometown and developed social anxiety.  The person I am now is the type of person who would rather develop a kidney infection than ask you where your restroom is, the type of person who would rather eat something I didn't like, instead of telling my waitress it's not what I ordered.
It's become a real problem in my life. I let people boss me around, and I act like it's totally okay even when it causes me to come home crying at the end of the day. 
And I'm over it. I want to go back to the attitude of "don't tell me how to live my life,  I'll freak out."

Number two; Love yourself.
I worked really really hard to become comfortable with myself after my sophomore year in high school. My first 2 years I developed a habit of eating my feelings. Which wasn't healthy. My third year I developed a habit of forcing myself not to eat. I remember a few times where all I had to eat that day was a handful of saltine crackers and I'd drink 4 water bottles. My senior year I began to develop a healthier lifestyle.  I'd eat 3 meals a day,  plenty of fruits and veggies, and I would dance,  a lot. This gave me a huge confidence boost and for the first time in my life I was comfortable in my own skin.
I want to be able to accept myself again.  To be able to look in the mirror and say "you're not the size 3 you were in high school, but that's okay.  You are healthy, and happy, and you are perfect the way you are."

Number three; Stop compromising.
I've always struggled with this one. I've always let people get in the way of me doing what I want to do. I wanted to go to Thailand for 6 months to teach english, I let a boy talk me out of it, I wanted to be a teacher,  I let my fellow college students talk me out of it by telling me it was too much school, the list goes on and on.
I want to be my own person. I want to do, what I want to do. And I don't want to let ANYONE stand in my way ever again.

Number four; Life sucks, Get over it.
The last year or so I have been struggling with letting my past control me.
I've been letting past trauma take over my life, I've been unwilling to accept the fact that a lot of people I used to be close with aren't in my life anymore, all around I've been living so far into my past that my present life is passing by without me.
I need to learn how to tell myself to shut up, grow up and get over it!

Number five; Smile.
I used to be such a positive, outgoing person. Now I actually have to force myself to smile or laugh when I'm not at home. Which happens to be a big problem when the majority of your job involves being up close and personal to people and getting to know them. It's also a problem when you work on people's smiles while you, yourself don't ever smile.
So I need to freaking smile and stop taking life so seriously.

I'm sure I will add more to this list as time goes on but for now, these are some things I need to work on to better myself.
Which leads me into
Number six; follow through.
We've all made a new years resolution at one point. The vast majority of us have broken said new years resolution.  I am probably the biggest new years resolution breaker EVER. That being said, I need to FOLLOW THROUGH with this. So, if at anytime you see me not doing one of these things when I should be, please, please, PLEASE remind me.

Tell me I can't, I dare you.

re·sil·ience
rəˈzilyəns/
noun
noun: resilience; plural noun: resiliences
1.
the ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape; elasticity.
2.
the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.

If you had asked me to name my strengths a year ago, I probably would have given you the generic job interview answers; outgoing,  positive, works well with others, blah, blah, blah,  etc. In fact it wasn't until my first day of therapy in April that began to use the word resilient to describe myself.
I was asked before I came to make a list of my weaknesses and to make a list of my strengths. When my counselor read my lists she looked at me and said "you listed 10 weaknesses,  and only 5 strengths... why is that? " I shrugged "those are the only ones I could think of." She scribbled something on a notepad, I'm sure it was something along the lines of "depressed, with self confidence issues" she then asked me to tell her my story. 
I began to tell her my life story from start to finish. For those who aren't as familiar with my trials, I will tell you a condensed version now.

When I was born, I was adopted.  My birth mother was a teen, and couldn't give me the care that I needed.  So I went to my parents. A lovely couple who had been given the trial of not being able to conceive.  I was placed into a loving family with a kind and loving mother and father, as well as an incredibly smart, and talented older brother. Things were great, my parents never kept my adoption a secret,  they were very open about it from the start. I never knew my birth mothers name, or anything about her really for most of my childhood. Which was alright. Life was great,  I was a very active child, and I loved spending time with my daddy. I would help him mow the lawn, we would dance around the house, all sorts of fun daddy/daughter adventures. He was my best friend. I was a very happy kid. But when I was 10, we got a phone call that changed my life. In an instant I went from 10 years old with out a care in the world, to having to be an adult. I knew somehow that the phone call wasn't good so, I stayed on the line as the doctor told my mom that my dad had stomach cancer. I don't remember exactly how long my dad's battle with cancer lasted, but I remember it was horrible. I remember him losing his hair, I remember watching him physically transform right before my eyes, from my sweet dad,  so full of life, to a sick, dying stranger I hardly recognized. I remember them having to remove his stomach, he had to use a machine to eat. I remember having to pack his incision with gauze because my mom didn't always have the emotional strength to do it by herself.  I remember praying towards the end that he could just... go. So that he wouldn't have to suffer anymore. Eventually my prayers were answered and he was gone. I knew he was in a better place and wasn't suffering anymore but it didn't make it any easier.  About a year or two later my mother had to have open heart surgery, she was in and out of the hospital on a monthly basis for a long while after and there were times where we honestly could have lost her.. it was one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with.
3 years later I got myself into a bad situation in which I was sexually abused, I won't go into this any more than that as it is something I am still recovering from.

*Im sure by now you're wondering if there is a point to this, and I promise there is.*

I have been through an eating disorder, friends passing away, I have been a victim of bullying, I have battled depression, PTSD, there have been a lot of other trials that I have gone through, and if you want to learn more about them, we can talk about it sometime.
The point is. I went through all of this. And in each of these moments I felt like there was no way I would ever recover from them.  But, I have. I have trained myself to become resilient. And this is the point she made to me. I should have put on that list that I am resilient, I am a strong person who has been given a road with many bumps, and twists and turns, and I have gone from where I was to where I am now, despite these obstacles. 

This week, I found out that my mother has to go through another open heart surgery.  At first, I was terrified. I cried, and cried, and I honestly thought I couldn't do this again. But I can. I can be strong for my mom while she needs me to,  I can fight my trauma from the things that have happened in my past,  I will come out resilient,  even if it takes everything I have. I can do it.

I will remain resilient.
So, tell me I can't,  I dare you.