Untitled.

Normally when I start a post.. I know exactly what I'm going to say before I start. Or at least I know what I want to write about. This way I have a title before I even begin writing. This time my post is titled "untitled." Because.. I've been trying to write this for so long.. trying to find the words to say to describe how I feel.. it's almost been 2 months.. 2 months since Carson and I got Married, 2 months since we decided to move to Richfield... and finally... 2 months since I lost a dear friend. A friend I only had the pleasure of knowing for close to a year now. If you know me you know that I have had a lot of experience in the department of losing people. When I was 10 my father passed away from stomach cancer. A few years before I had lost my Grandpa. A year after my dad passed I almost lost my Mom, but I was blessed enough to keep her, a blessing I could never stop being grateful for. Over the years I've lost a couple friends from various illnesses or other incidents. But with most of these deaths there were warnings. I sort of saw them coming although I tried everything I could to stop them.
So when I say that this one took me by surprise.. that is a complete and total understatement.  It all started with a snapchat.  She sent me a snapchat that said "I love you two!  You're the cutest" I snapped her back "we love you too"
Carson and I went to bed. It had been a great day.  When we woke up the next morning we were still happy from the day before. I decided to check Facebook. I wish I hadn't.  At first I thought it was some sick joke or maybe somebody had heard wrong. But then as I continued to scroll, the joke turned into a horrible reality.  I only remember a few words before bursting into tears and throwing my phone at the wall. "CAR CRASH." "NO SEATBELT", "DIED ON IMPACT".  I remember telling Carson "She's dead..." I was so confused, and pissed off, and heartbroken.  I don't think I stopped crying that day. The next day any little thing would make me burst into tears. Even still whenever I hear her name or someone tells a similar story, I have to leave the room or I start crying again.  So full of life one minute,  gone like that, the next.
I really don't know how to handle it. So here I am. Finally talking about it.
I still can't believe she's gone.
But she's in a better place.
And it's okay. But that doesn't make it any easier in the moment.